Christian Bale Is Bale-ding For New Role

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Ho…Lee…Crap. If I wasn’t someone who gets paid a very small amount of money to keep abreast of the entertainment industry I would think one of two things: That “The Dark Knight Rises” star Christian Bale has really let himself go and has switched careers to work in the used car industry(this would make me a whimsical idiot); or that he’s staring in a biopic based on the life of any one of my dad’s white trash gambling buddies that I grew up calling “Uncle” such and such (they were great guys, don’t get me wrong, they just looked ridiculous). However, I am in fact paid a little bit of cash to know what’s going on in the movie world, so I know that these are just images of Bale in “American Hustle”, a movie that reunites him with “The Fighter” director David O. Russell and co-star Amy Adams. The film is loosely based on a real sting operation that the FBI ran in the late 1970s, and strangely enough, his character was on the good guys’ side. His OTB in 1984 look is the result of his playing a con man; if you don’t know that OTB stands for “Off Track Betting”, then you had a way better childhood than me and I don’t like your face.bale

So anyhow, Christian Bale usually has a full head of fancy hair, sitting atop a pretty jacked up body, but he’s going for fat and balding in this role. Seeing as how he’s the same dude who weighed about a hundred pounds soaking wet when he filmed “The Machinist”, I’m going to guess that he actually put on all that weight and that he has his head shaved and styled into whatever the hell that is, and I love it. I usually give people crap about having a comb-over, but when it’s atop a man who’s wearing those glasses and that jacket, I’m all for it. Comb-overs are bad when they’re trying to hide that someone is balding, but they’re awesome when they’re used as a legitimate hair style. This is the kind of guy who isn’t trying to hide that he’s bald, he’s trying to say “Yeah, I’m bald, so what? Who ya got in the fourth race?”. As a matter of fact, I really hope that Bale brings this haircut back with him when he returns to the action movie game. Imagine Bruce Wayne changing out of the Batsuit and getting into that getup; it would be amazing. So bald on Christian Bale, thanks for repping up well!bale-balding-american-hustle-picture

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Ian Ziering Is Losing His Hair But Not His Youth

ian-zieringIan Ziering seems like a nice enough guy, he really does, so it pains me to say that if I ever see him in person I’m going to dose him in holy water, shove a piece of garlic in his mouth, and attempt to stake him. Let’s be honest folks, only vampires, Highlanders, and Will Smith in “Hancock”s age as slowly as the former “Beverly Hills 90210″ star appears to be; he doesn’t have a sword and “Hancock” was a work of fiction, so he must be a vampire. He’s looked the same for the lasts twenty friggin’ years, something is up with that. In fact, the only reason one can tell that the “Dancing With The Stars” contestant is half a century old, is that he hairline is far back, but even that’s always been pretty much the same! However, it has moved back a little bit, proving that Ian Ziering is slowly going bald.ian-ziering-baldingWhen he first hit the scene playing “Steve Sanders” in the 1990s hit series, he was already twenty-six years old, and was already rocking a bad enough hairline to give him a five-head. This lead to the amazing realization that casting directors in the 90s were on a ton of drugs (the entire cast was supposed to be high school aged; they all looked old as dirt…but like…youthful dirt), and that he was probably suffering from the beginnings of male pattern baldness even back then. These days, he rocks what can best be described as a seven-head, and he’s clearly only a few years away from having a hair horseshoe on top of his head. However, it’s entirely possible that he’s faking the balding look in order to throw vampire hunters off his scent, because other than the hairline there’s no way to tell that Vlad Ziering isn’t still a kid. I mean, it’s entirely possible that the line of exercise books and supplies he’s always hocking (he does fitness seminars…seriously, it’s weird because he’s him) are working wonders and keeping him young, but I’m going to stick to the idea that he’s and undead creature of pure evil who feeds on human blood.ian-ziering-balding-picSo in closing, it’s safe to say the Ian Ziering appears to be losing his hair. I cannot however commit to saying that it’s because of age, or if it’s all part of a trick being played by an immortal master of the afterlife that will end with us all serving as cattle to a master race of blood sucking terror beasts…yeah, it’s probably the first thing.

 

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Josh Lucas’ Hair Isn’t Firmly Implanted In His Head

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Hollywood is all about “it” actors; whether it’s the newest girl to appear in a Bond movie, or the newest guy who is seemingly being stuck in everything we see, there’s always someone they’re shoving down our collective throats. Most of the time, these people have their moment in the sun and then fade off into obscurity, only really popping up when they do something weird in their personal life (I’m looking at you Alicia Silverstone), but sometimes they have actual talent and stick around in the acting game. Josh Lucas is the kind of “It Guy” who stuck around, and we’re all better off from it, in an entertainment sense at least. The man who saw his star rise with rolls in “Sweet Home Alabama” and “The Hulk” should’ve faded away after he proved that he didn’t sell too great as a leading man, but instead he decided to start doing more character work, and his career has been going strong for over a decade now because of it. With work in things like “The Lincoln Lawyer” and “The Firm”, Lucas’ career shows no sign of going anywhere…his hair is another story though. Yes folks, his follicles have gone “Stealth”…that’s a movie, I swear.

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Back when he first hit it big, he was already rocking a hairline that didn’t appear to have staying power, so when he started balding soon into his fame, it shouldn’t have come as a surprise to anyone. For starters, he was already almost thirty when he got big, having acted in smaller rolls for over a decade before. Secondly, some people just go bald. Lucas’s receding hairline is nothing more than a standard case of male pattern baldness. Had he found his stride earlier, we’d all be saying how he’s always had such great hair, but to my knowledge he was always missing a little down in front. These days, Lucas has about a five-head, which is nothing terrible for a man in his forties. What’s even less terrible is how he’s handled it; he hasn’t. Just like a man should, Lucas is letting his hair go gracefully, and instead of getting a hair transplant or a weave system, he’s just playing older rolls and styling himself differently. It helps that he’s a handsome dude, so women aren’t likely to go; “Yuck, get that balding troll off my screen!”; they’re too busy being charmed by his dreamy-ness (that’s a term girls use right? I’m married, so clearly I know nothing about women who aren’t legally bonded to me).

josh-lucas-balding-picSo in the end, Josh Lucas is balding the right way, and it’s for that reason that I ‘d like to offer him a place in The Bald Army. I’m going to say that “LT. Lucas” has a nice ring to it. Welcome aboard Josh!

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Sean Connery Has No Hair, But Still Has His Charisma

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I’m genuinely ashamed today folks, and seeing as how I once went to the mall wearing only a pair of swim trunks and a beer can hat, that’s a pretty impressive feet. Why am I finally ashamed of myself? Because in all the work I’ve done to raise bald awesomeness awareness, I’ve never taken the time to shine the spotlight on the great and powerful Sean Connery. Yup, that’s right folks, I’ve never reveled in the wonderment that is the man who played James Bond, Ramirez in “Highlander” (where he had long hair and was somehow Spanish), and John Patrick Mason in “The Rock”. Well today that all changes, because it’s time to talk about Sean Connery’s bald head!sea-connery-bald

Hmmmm…this is awkward, I got all ramped up and now there’s not really much to say. Yes, it’s true that Sean Connery used to have hair and now he doesn’t have as much, but the dude is a legitimate senior citizen. Not senior citizen as in “He just turned 65.”, senior citizen as in “He’s 82 friggin’ years old!”, of course he’s going bald! The only thing surprising about these recent photos of the retired mega-star, is how badass he still looks. Yes, he looks a little wily when he’s not wearing his hat (which is pretty much the same exact hat he wore during his Academy Award winning turn in “The Untouchables”), and his remaining strands of hair are flying all over the place, but he still looks like he would bust your face open with a shillelagh if you hit his stoop with a baseball or called his wife a bad name, and that’s how all old bald men should look. Look at him, bald head shinning in the sun, Irish mob track suit worn proudly; he’s everything we all hope we can be if we make it to his age.bald-sean-connery

So does Sean Connery get an invite to The Bald Army? No. He gets me begging him to consider gracing me with his presence. He’s Sean effin’ Connery! He’s turned down more women that the rest of us will ever even meet, and kicked more ass that a toilet seat with a shoe stuck in it! He’s one of the coolest people to ever walk the earth, and I hope he accepts his rank of General. Hell, I hope he even accidentally finds this site in a search someday and just recognizes that I wrote about him. If he walked by me on the street and spit at me, I’d say “thank you”, he’s the greatest. So yeah, Sean Connery is cool and bald, the end.sean-connery-bald

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Snoop Lion Loses His Mane

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You ever watch the nature channel and see lions walking around missing chunks of their mane? Yeah, not often right? Well, that’s because lions don’t usually lose their hair; this makes Snoop Lion the exception that proves the rule. The artist formerly known as “Snoop Doggy Dogg” or “Snoop Dogg” changed his name to that of the king of the jungle after a religious experience in the Caribbean…yeah, I know, there’s nothing normal about that, but when you have the kind of money that this dude does, you can pretty much be as weird as you want. So anyways, the famed West Coast rapper has been walking around more weird than usually for the last couple of years, and he’s also starting to look more bald than usual.calvin_broadus-snoop_dogg-105

During recent appearances by the “Starsky and Hutch” actor, I couldn’t help but notice that his cornrows started a lot further back on his head than they used to. He’s in his forties now, so it’s really no surprise that he’s starting to hemorrhage hair, but I do find it kind of weird that he hasn’t just shaved his head yet. Something about his nonchalant attitude and massive weed smokage leads me to think that he’s not the kind of dude to hold onto his hair when it’s past its prime. I figured him as the type who would look in the mirror, say “F— it”, and shave his head. However, I guess I could also see him looking in the mirror, noticing his receding hair line, considering shaving it off, and then looking at his posse (do people still have “posses”, or are they “entourages” only now? If so, does that mean they’re fun for a couple of years, then terribly predictable and really terrible? Get it? “Entourage” the show sucked.) and saying something to the effect of, “A lion needs its mane ya’ll, this fur has got to stay atop my crown”. I imagine he takes a long drag off of a “cigarette” after and then just laughs and never mentions it again.snoop-lion-balding-pics

So when will Snoop Lion finally become Snoop Bald Eagle? Maybe never, maybe in a few years when he’s out of the spotlight. To be honest, it’s hard to picture someone like Snoop as an old man, I always figured he’d just ascend to some other level of being at age fifty. Time will tell when he officially joins The Bald Army, or if he just becomes a living weed cloud who makes talk show appearances; I’m actually rooting for the latter.snoop-lion-balding

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