Matt Walsh: Upright Citizens Bald Brigade

matt-walsh-baldThey don’t come much more hilarious than “Veep”s Matt Walsh, they don’t come much more bald either…well balding, because there’s only so completely bald someone can get before you start taking off their eyebrows and entering alopecia territory. So that leaves us with the kind of bald that Matt Walsh is rocking, a bald that your average critic would simply report as the beginnings of a “horseshoe pattern” or a “major recession”. However, that kind of reporting simply wouldn’t do Matt Walsh’s head any justice, because it’s really a majestic example of a man losing his hair and being too damn awesome to give a crap about it!

matt-walsh-baldingSince he first caught the public’s attention as a founding member of the Upright Citizens Brigade, Walsh has seen his already receding hairline work its way further and further back on his head, to the point where your average Joe would either shave it all off, rock a comb-over, or get a super short haircut with what’s left. Not Matt Walsh though, he seems to kind of just cut his hair however he feels like cutting it, whether it be a close crop or a wild overgrown bushes kind of thing. He basically styles his remaining hair however he wants, with zero regard for how it interacts with his huge bald spot. It’s almost like his hair is its own entity that he doesn’t need, but respects enough that he takes care of it and allows it to live on his head. Like an old parrot that used to belong to your grandpa, but he left it to you in his will so now you have to develop a begrudging respect for it that eventually blooms into a full blown friendship! And get this: You own a bar together! Sorry, sometimes I just break out into 80s sitcom pitches. Anyhow, Matt Walsh has appeared in movies like “Old School” and “The Hangover”, and even though he may never get top billing, he will always get character work in comedy films and television because he’s just too damn funny not to cast. He’s bald, and he’s so funny that his mere presence makes me give whatever project he’s in a chance, so for those reasons I’d like to welcome Matt Walsh into The Bald Army! Also, his Wikipedia page and personal website are the first results when you search for his name, despite there being an NBA player also named “Matt Walsh”, so he’s literally the best at being himself!Matt-walsh-comedy

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Russell Crowe: Losing Hair Or Gaining Weight?

russell-crow-balding-picAh yes folks, the age old question that all men must ask or have asked of them at some point” is it balding…or fattening? No, I’m not talkng about something that one asks before a meal, because as far as I know there’s not food that makes your hair fall out (they don’t make edible electrolysis yet…but they should), I’m talking about one of the many problems that can arise when a man goes from thin to big boned.A lot of times, there head gets a bit more round and…well…fat, so it makes their hairline appear a little further back on their head because of all the extra forehead they now possess. You following me so far? Simple equation: more weight = more face = more forehead = looking like your hairline is receding. Okay, you must have it now, so let’s talk about “Gladiator” and “A Beautiful Mind” star, Academy Award winner Russell Crowe and see if we can’t get to the bottom of his apparent hair loss.

russell-crow-baldingSince he became a big household name back at the beginning of the century, Russell has done a few things with great consistency: take roles in films meant to please him as an artist even if they don’t make him big money, play music with his band, drink beer, and gain and lose weight. In fact, in recent years the “Robin Hood” and “Man of Steel” star has been both in great shape and down right paunchy depending on what role he’s working on. In recent years he’s also started to look like his hairline is receding from a natural widows peak to a straight arked pattern of recession. He very clearly, even during the press for his movie “Noah”, looks like he’s going bald. However, this could also be just an illusion created by his weight gain. How do we know which is the case? We don’t. However, we can chalk it up to at least a little bit of both because of the obvious changes in his hairline and the fact that he’s in his fifties…and the fact that he appears to be a fan of desert. His hair-loss isn’t significant enough for us to really care too much yet, but it’s definitely happening, and if he keeps bulking up he’s going to look even more like his hair is gone, regardless of where it actually is.

russell-crow-balding-picture

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Jon Favreau’s Hair Swings Away

Jon-Favreau-baldingThere’s a lot of people in Hollywood who claim to be “triple threats”; there’s even models who have become actresses who think that because they helped throw a couple of lines into a script and then stood next to the director they’re not versatile artists. However, there’s very few people out there who actually excel at acting, writing, and directing. There’s even fewer who have all three of these impressive skills and are also losing and ahve lost enough hair to qualify for a position in The Bald Army, one of the best examples of this is Jon Favreau, a man who’s so awesome that I almost can’t explain it with words. He rules so hard that I want to attempt to express myself in hand signals and clicking noises, but I won’t, I will instead be overly verbose like I always tend to be! Horray for consistency!

Jon-Favreau-balding-youngSo yeah, Jon Favreau first became someone to watch when he hit the big screens with a full head of curly hair in “Rudy”; he also had a full stomach of something, because he played the paunchy “D-Bop”, Rudy’s tutor and friend. He then showed up, as well as showed off his skills as a screenwriter in the classic bro-comedy “Swingers” (one of my personal favorites). Alongside his buddy, and fellow balding celebrity, Vince Vaughn, Favreau showed off some impressive muscles and a respectable, albeit slightly receding hairline. This was really the last time that we’d see him with good hair growth, because when he later appeared on “Friends” and in movies like “Rocky Marciano”, he was showing some serious thinning and recession. As he’s moved on to doing more of his work behind the camera directing stuff like “Iron Man” and “The Jungle Book”, and producing blockbusters like “The Avengers” , his hair has taken a turn for the worse…or better if you’re me, as he is now very clearly going bald. He rocks about a six-head, but he’s Favreau, so he pulls it off. He also still acts, and even though he’s put on some pounds, he still pulls off playing quirky tough guys and comedy bros like it’s nobodies business. Basically, he balds well, and since he’s showing no signs of going in for hair transplants or weave procedures, he’s got an open invitation to become a Sargeant in The Bald Army. Welcome aboard Jon!

Jon-Favreau-balding-pics

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Eddie “The Eagle” Edwards Begins To Resemble Namesake

eddie-the-eagle-balding-pic

There’s a lot of things about Eddie “The Eagle” Edwards that make him a likely candidate for a spot in The Bald Army. For starters, he’s got “eagle” in his name, and of all the bald creatures in the world, the eagle is perhaps the most majestic of them all, soaring above the ground with its bald head shining amongst its powerful feathers. I can’t think of eagles without wanting to soar off of something myself! No folks, I’m not jumping off a building anytime soon, so don’t get too excited, I’m just saying that eagles are friggin’ inspiring…and actually Eddie Edwards is pretty inspiring himself. That brings us to the next reason that I love this guy: his epically bad, yet still inspiring, run at the 1988 Winter Olympics in Calgary. In the same year that the Jamaican Bobsled Team decided to throw their hats and dreds into the games, a plucky British Champion skier decided to give the world stage a shot himself. That man was Eddie The Eagle, and despite failing so miserably that the International Olympic Committee (IOC) changed their rules on eligibility to keep people his caliber from future competition, he inspired millions the world over by simply not giving a crap. He didn’t care that ski jumping wasn’t his first choice of Olympic events (he got into it when he realized it was cheaper to train for than other skiing events.), he didn’t care that his eyesight was bad that he had to jump in glasses (they’d often fog up and he’s ski blind), and he didn’t care that he was the heaviest competitor in a sport where tiny is better; he only cared to compete. His dead last finish only strengthened his underdog legacy and served to make him a celebrity who still pops up on things like “Celebrity Diving” to this day; a day in which he is a bald man! See how I took it all the way around to the point?

eddie-the-eagle-baldEddie The Eagle never had the best hairline, as even during his twenties it was arching towards a five-head (he did a comb-forward Cesar cut to cover this up). As he’s gotten older, he’s seen even more hair lose, as both his hairline has recessed and the top of his dome has gone thin. He keeps a completely clean shaven head at this point, and makes no effort to cover up his balding status. So it’s because of this proud balding, like that of his namesake, that I proudly welcome Lt. Eagle to the ranks of The Bald Army! Thanks for inspiring people Eddie!

eddie-the-eagle-balding

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F. Murray Abraham Needs His Amadeus Wig

f-murray-abraham-baldOkay, so it’s no secret that F. Murray Abraham is bald. It should also be no sort of hidden fact that he’s awesome, since the guy is an Academy Award winning actor, a generally charitable dude, and has kept the same woman married to him for over fifty years. However, most of you have no idea who this bald icon and obvious inductee into The Bald Army is…that really sucks of you, so let me give you a couple of little awesome tidbits about this man.

f-murray-abraham-balding

For starters, old F. Murray is in his seventies and has been going bald for about forty years already, so he’ seen all sorts of forms of hair loss. His original recession led to some awesome times in his life where he rocked the infamous “balding afro” look, in which his hair puffed into a fro but still started pretty far back on his head. The “Scarface” and “Amadeus” star would later embrace his balding and show off both a cropped doo and an awesome ponytail/six-head combo. He alternated between rocking a more m-shaped hairline and just shaving off the remnants before finally just letting his scalp do what it wanted and going to a full bald spot/horseshoe look. That’s the brass bald tax of it, but let’s talk about the man a bit more, because he’s friggin’ awesome. The “F” in his name? Yeah that’s just a letter because he was born “Murray Abraham” and wanted a little more flare. So the “F” literally stands for “F”…that’s epic. Add that to the time he got on the New York City Subway system with him Oscar on his lap to see if anyone would notice (they didn’t, I’m a New Yorker…we don’t care…ever), and you have a guy who just kind of does whatever he wants. A guy who just expresses himself however the mood suits him. After he became a big deal for his performance in “Amadeus” he went back to being a stage actor. Why? Because he wanted to. He’s also taken roles in terrible movies shearly because they looked like fun, he’s like a living portrait of what an actor should be! So yeah, General F. Murray can command the forces of bald any day of the week, and I’m proud to have him on board!

f-murray-abraham-bald-pics

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