Pop quiz: When has John Malkovich ever had a full head of hair without wearing a wig? If you answered” never” then you’re correct! You’re prize? Nothing, grow up; life isn’t about prizes, knowledge is your prize you big baby. Anyhow, the Red and Being John Malkovich star has had a very successful career that began with him rocking one of the deepest widows peaks in the history of film. Despite his extra forehead space, he chose to play parts that called for him to have long hair, giving him an interesting pro-wrestler-esque look. Recently, as Malcovich has aged, he’s lost a lot more of his hair and had ended up with just a ring of hair that he usually keeps short unless a roll calls for a longer comb-over style look. Hair or not, John Malcovich is awesome, and he’s allowed that awesomeness to speak for itself and he’s opted to not try to cover up his baldness with hair pieces or plugs. He’s a proud bald man, so I welcome him to The Bald Army; welcome aboard Major Malcovich!

Did you know that George Foreman made over $200 million with his endorsement of The Foreman Grill? That’s way more money than I will ever make telling you simps about how George Foreman has no hair and a big shiny head. However, I will still make sure that you know that former World Heavyweight Champion George Foreman is as bald as they come. Back before “The Rumble in the Jungle”, Big George had a full head of hair that he formed into one of the most rocking afros in the history of boxing…then Muhammad Ali’s old ass knocked the crap out of him; the rest is history. These days, I’m not really sure how much hair Foreman has left because he keeps his head clean shaven at all times, but I am really sure that Foreman is one of the nicest guys in the boxing world. There’s just something about the old boy that makes me think that if I were having trouble with some street tuffs, George would come out of his home in an apron and beat the Zubaz pants off those young scoundrels. For that reason; for that faith that I have in George Foreman, I invite him to join The Bald Army at the rank of Brigadier General George!

When the original Buffy The Vampire Slayer movie wasn’t a hit, it would’ve been easy for Avengers director Joss Whedon to quit the film game and find a new career. He didn’t, and with the Buffy series, Angel, Firefly, and the aforementioned Avengers (or as I called it “The entirety of my childhood imagination kicking the world in the nards”) on his resume since then, I’m damned glad he didn’t. However, I really wish he would’ve given up on his hair a lot sooner. He rocks a clean-cut bald head with a short ring of hair around it these days, and it’s a fine look befitting someone of his immense talent, but I’m not sure what look he was going for before this one. Taking a look back, Whedon never really had a full head of hair, but that didn’t stop him from having a hairstyle that looked like Ed Asner mated with the cartoon version of Egon from Ghostbusters. I have no idea what he was thinking, but I’m glad that he gave in and cut most of his hair off. Now he’s a respectable bald man, and one of the most talented directors in the action/adventure/sci-fi game; he’s also welcomed to join The Bald Army any day of the week.

Joe DiMaggio may have been known as “The Yankee Clipper”, but it looks like current New York Yankee slugger mark Texiera needs to get a hold of some Yankee clippers and shave his head. The multi-time Gold Glove winner, All-Star, and 2009 World Series Champion has been pretty solid as a player throughout his career, but I can’t say the same for his horrible hairline/cover-up combo. Texiera is usually seen with his cap on while he’s playing, but a quick look at him on the bench shows that when he keeps his hair short, a badly receding hairline is clearly present. However, Texiera likes to combat this sometimes by letting the front of his hair grow really long to cover up the recession. He needs to never do this again, it looks ridiculous; he looks like a twelve year old that tried to give himself a Zack Morris haircut in 1992 but only had access to a Flow-Bee (spelling? Refuse to Google that myself). With the hair short, he looks like a respectable balding man, but with it long, he looks like a moron. The jury is still out on Texiera, so I will let you know if he makes the necessary changes for induction into the ranks of The Bald Army.